Hey there, dear parents, caregivers, educators, and fellow adventurers in the wonderful journey of raising tiny humans!
I know you have all heard the phrase gentle parenting or connected parenting and some of you may be rolling your eyes. If so, I bet I can guess why & it's not what you think....
You believe that type of parenting means letting kids get away with poor choices, letting them do whatever they want, not setting boundaries, or focusing so much on your relationships, you forget to teach them how to behave...
Was I close?
Here's the REAL definition of Connected Parenting:
Connected Parenting is a holistic approach to child-rearing that places a strong emphasis on nurturing a deep, loving relationship between parent and child, while also maintaining clear boundaries and providing consistent discipline to teach positive behaviors. At its core, Connected Parenting recognizes that a secure and trusting relationship between parent and child is essential for healthy emotional development and overall well-being.
In Connected Parenting, parents strive to cultivate open communication, empathy, and mutual respect within the parent-child relationship. This means actively listening to the child's thoughts and feelings, validating their experiences, and empathizing with their emotions, even when they're challenging or difficult to navigate. By fostering a sense of connection and understanding, parents create a safe and supportive environment where children feel valued and heard.
However, Connected Parenting doesn't stop at nurturing relationships; it also recognizes the importance of setting clear boundaries and providing consistent discipline. Boundaries serve as guidelines for behavior and help children understand what is expected of them. These boundaries are communicated in a firm yet compassionate manner, emphasizing the reasons behind the rules and expectations.
When it comes to discipline, Connected Parenting focuses on teaching and guiding rather than punishing. Discipline is viewed as an opportunity for learning and growth, rather than simply correcting misbehavior. Parents use positive reinforcement, problem-solving, and natural consequences to encourage good behavior and help children understand the impact of their actions.
First off, let's address the elephant in the room: boundaries. Think of them as the invisible fences that guide our little ones through the maze of life, ensuring they don't wander too far into the lion's den. Boundaries are like the guardrails on a rollercoaster ride – they keep things exciting yet safe. Now, setting boundaries with compassion is where the real artistry comes in. Picture this: your kiddo is bouncing off the walls like a kangaroo on a sugar rush. Instead of unleashing your inner drill sergeant, take a deep breath and channel your inner zen master. THAT will be what really calms them down-not becoming the yelling threatening version that can come out of us when we are facing that energy level. Here's how:
1. Know Thy Child: Every mini-human is a unique blend of quirks and quirks (yes, I said quirks twice, they're that important). Understand what makes your little one tick – their fears, their passions, and their tendencies. This insight is your compass in the wilderness of boundary-setting. Then respect it. They are humans, just like you. You have things that deeply bother you right? Same for kids but they lack the frontal lobe development that keeps those little impulsive behaviors and words in check.
2. Speak Their Language: Ever tried explaining quantum physics to a goldfish? Yeah, not gonna work. Tailor your boundary-setting dialogue to your child's age and stage of development. Keep it simple for the littles and add a dash of complexity for the older ones. And don't forget the secret ingredient: empathy. This is what will engage their thinking brain and calm their stress brain.
3. Lead by Example: Monkey see, monkey do. Your kiddo is like a sponge, soaking up every drop of your actions and reactions. Their brain came with mirror neurons that are designed to learn from the adults. Model the behavior you want to see – whether it's saying "please" and "thank you" or knowing when to take a time-out for some deep breaths (hint: adults need time-outs too). Don't take their behavior personal. Behavior is always communication in kids. Look for the hidden message.
4. Consistency is Key: Imagine if stop signs randomly turned into green lights – chaos, right? Same goes for boundaries. Be as reliable as your morning cup of coffee (or tea, no judgment here). Consistency provides a sense of security and predictability that your little one craves like a hug from their favorite stuffed animal. It relaxes the stress response in the brain if they know what to expect. Imagine going to work and each day not knowing what you will be doing until you get there, and people just start telling you orders-You are going to feel some stress. Little ones with still developing brains are REALLY going to stress. Keep it predictable.
5. Flexibility, Not Flip-floppity: Life is like a box of chocolates, said Forrest Gump, and he was onto something. Sometimes, you gotta roll with the punches and adjust your boundaries accordingly. When kids are frustrated, refusing, or demanding, that means when you can give them choices and empower their little brain, it gives them a sense of autonomy which ALSO calms their stress brain. Who doesn't love calm kids?
6. Praise and Encourage: You know that warm, fuzzy feeling you get when someone gives you a high-five for acing that presentation? Your kiddo craves that too. Shower them with praise and encouragement when they toe the line (metaphorically, of course) or even take a tiny step in the right direction. It boosts happy chemicals when you pair positive affirmation, eye contact, and positive physical touch like a hug, high five, or pat on the back. This will ALSO make that little brain calm. A calm brain is one that listens, thinks before they act, & understands what you are trying to say to them. AKA-All good things.
So, there you have it, friends
– the art of setting boundaries with compassion, not spoiling your kids like the myth of connected parenting suggests. Connected parenting=Calm parenting.
Remember, parenting is like juggling flaming torches – it's all about finding that perfect balance between discipline and love, structure and flexibility, boundaries and compassion. And hey, if all else fails, get everyone outside, throw down some snacks, and push the water bottles. Biology never fails.
You got this friends!
Heidi
Heidi is a licensed and nationally certified school psychologist and mother of seven cool kids ages 11 to 25. She is dual licensed with the Board of Health and Board of Education and specializes in trauma, child development, emotional and behavioral health, education, and mental health.
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